Our Nursing Journey: A Reflection, An Ode
Written by Shay Gabriel
Photo by Aly May
a reflection on our nursing journey
Last month, May 2022, marked 3 consecutive years of being pregnant with or nursing my precious firstborn! A major accomplishment I hold dearly.
I'm pregnant again, and still nursing here and there as Evie, now 27 months old, requests. I'm 16 weeks along and so far I still have a milk supply (that seems to be less milky and maybe more like colostrum? I haven't expressed any to investigate, but things are just different. And Evie says it tastes like "yogurt and honey" instead of "Momma's milk" lol.)
Our nursing journey isn't over yet, though Evie has reached some major milestones in recent weeks. Lately at bedtime, E often latches to nurse but instead falls asleep in seconds. She's also transitioned from regularly latching to nurse upon rousing in the night to going entire overnights without nursing at all. And all on her own terms, which is just so cool to watch unfold. She still snuggles beside me in bed at night, but she's not in search of security and satiation in the same way she had been for over 2 years. Sometimes I still lightly rouse when she does, and I notice that she simply repositions and falls back asleep.
I think back to little newborn Evie and I remember the long hours of nursing as she fell asleep, and the frequent feedings all throughout the night. I remember being what she needed each and every time she roused. I can still imagine the feeling of her little body rolling to the side to latch as we'd both doze off again. Every hour. Then every two or three hours. Every four hours. With patterns and predictability, often, but sprinkled with temporary transitions of greater frequency in between. Growth spurts. Developmental leaps. Teething. Sickness.
Presently, in the daytime, Evie is a little more likely to ask to nurse if we're at home and lounging around. But if we're apart or we're out and about, she's far less likely to mention it.
How far we've come from those earliest days, when nursing around the clock occurred both day and night. When it felt nearly impossible to leave her side, because we were a system. A unit. A dyad.
We've navigated a lot in our nursing relationship, Evie and I!
Photo by Annica Quakenbush
an ode to our nursing journey
Pumping colostrum.
Our first latch.
Bonding.
Finding a comfortable niche.
Learning every inch of her ever-changing face.
Oversupply.
Blocked ducts.
Tears — mine and hers.
Painful gas.
Soothing tears — mine and hers.
Block feeding.
Warm fuzzies.
Balance.
Cyclical sensitivity & supply dips.
Staring into each other's eyes.
Early teething.
Biting.
Yelping.
More tears.
Hugs.
A long phase of demanding side-lying feeding only.
Growth spurts.
Acrobatics.
Trying new positions.
Discomfort.
Frustration.
Sweet snuggles.
Smiles that turn into laughs.
Comforting injuries.
Pregnancy sickness.
Playing with my hair.
Pulling my hair.
Petting my pregnant belly.
Hitting my face.
Comfort.
Belonging.
Love.
As I reflect, all of this and more comes to mind.
There are times when I have felt my best when nursing my child. And there are times when I have felt my worst. It's a journey full of beautiful highs and challenging lows.
And as I envision the path that lies ahead, I hold nursing with hands open, palms up. I'm not sure what to expect — maybe Evie will wean completely while I'm pregnant. Maybe she'll wean soon and want to nurse again when baby arrives. Or maybe she'll nurse all the way through. Maybe I'll be too uncomfortable to continue to nurse at some point in this pregnancy. Maybe I'll oscillate between comfort and discomfort. (That seems to be the case so far.) Maybe I'll find that the benefits of breastfeeding outweigh the benefits of weaning at this stage of our lives and that I wish to keep going. Time will tell.
Funny to think there was a time when I claimed, "Once baby can talk, no more nursing!" or, "Nursing into toddlerhood? Wuuuuut. No thank you."
Because, here we are! Still nursing, for however long we both desire and are able.
Photo shared from Shay Gabriel’s Instagram account
times are a-changing!
Okay, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve revisited this drafted blog post (I’ll be 20 weeks pregnant tomorrow!), and I’ve gotta tell ya — while most of the above still holds true, there are some big, notable changes in more recent days. I’ve come to understand “dry nursing” in a whole new firsthand way…sometimes it feels like my milk has just plain dried up. I notice what appears to be remnants of colostrum (imagine a dried honey-like look) from time to time, and sometimes when Evie latches, it doesn’t feel quite so “dry.” But other times!? Daaaaang, it can be difficult to carry on. Truthfully, I’m growing increasingly thankful for Evie’s diminishing dependence on latching, however briefly, because frankly, it’s becoming pretty painful.
And, at the same time, I’ve shed some tears over the fact that I’m the one driving the show a little more these days; I had hoped that if we were to wean in pregnancy at all, it would be because Evie decided to all on her own. I knew that I may realistically tire of nursing first, and while that ultimately seems to be what’s happening now, I’m thankful it’s at a point in our journey when E has already come to nurse much less regularly than she previously had.
Lately, instead of accepting most requests, I’ve been encouraging alternatives to nursing when Evie asks, sometimes even at bedtime. Last night, for example, I was just too uncomfortable to nurse for more than a brief moment upon snuggling up in bed, so I told Evie I was sore and would like to scratch her back instead of nurse. E accepted, and she ended up falling asleep to me scratching her back as she played with my hair — sleep associations I’m so glad we’d started implementing earlier on, because now I feel more of a need to rely on them.
I relish the moments we fell asleep together, Evie latched at the breast…I grieve the loss of such an intense physical bond with my baby girl…and, I am ready for some relief and to embrace new ways of bonding in all the seasons ahead. Most of all, I am in awe of this 28-month-old girl who continues to so beautifully evolve throughout her life beyond the womb.
Shay Gabriel is the content director at Sprout and Blossom whose love of parenthood and psychology has merged into a super-obsession of all things birthy and baby. She believes an informed experience lends to an empowered experience, no matter where you are along the journey.